he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
