I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
