we have pet lesbian snakes
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
