I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
