Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
