Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
