new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
