My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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