if only i could text you this smell
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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