she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
