I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
