I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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