How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
