My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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