You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize