hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
