he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I think a kid would responsible me up
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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