this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
