Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
