I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
