You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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