He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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