I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
