Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
