absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
