her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
