my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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