mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
