i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
