you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
