Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
