They should really pass out barf bags in church
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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