I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
