Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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