I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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