yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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