there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
