Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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