Soap is not a condiment
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
