You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
