she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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