i jhust puked up my retainher.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
