Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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