He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
