I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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