There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
