He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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