You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
