I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
