Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
